Been a bit easier... Lately

Here I am, first day back to work after visiting the Smokies, one of moms absolute favorite places to go. I found her a little black bear with angel wings. Put it on her headstone Saturday when we came back.

It's precious isn't it? She would have absolutely loved it. Shoot we even seen a black bear while we were in Cades Cove!!!! Pretty sure that was a mom thing!

Things haven't really been that easy forbid all. I really missed mom while we were down there. So far the holidays haven't been 100% super fun. I'm trying! Have a lot of things going on in my life. Crossfit is slowly becoming a habit to me. Haven't been able to go as much as I've wanted to the last few weeks, but starting tomorrow I'll be there at least 3 times a week. Starting this week, I'm slowly turning my eating habits back to much healthier eating. Food prepping will commence this coming Sunday. Good luck to me again... Slowly figuring out who my true friends are. And easing out the ones who don't support me. May not always talk to everyone, but we all know we have each other's backs. 

I'm certainly on my way to the military, like I want. Just get in a habit of food health, and working out more. I know I can do this. I have a great support in trainers and a great friend who is keeping me motivated, even when I want to punch him. He's definitely keeping on top of things with me in Crossfit. I guess I need to suck it up and just go all in! 

Loss of a mother: Getting over the initial heartache

I'm 25 years old, and it's been over two month since I've lost my mother.

That's a line I never wanted to say at this age.  I do consider myself pretty lucky to have had her for this long.  Some kids lose a parent(s) at an even earlier age.  Regardless, It still hurts and it's hard to deal with. Some days you're angry at the world, other times you just don't want to talk to anyone.  Don't get me wrong, you have your good days even, just at times things get to you.

Losing my mother has been one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through in my life. You truly don't realize how much she has done for you until you can't ask a question. Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot from her, but there is so much more a person my age has to learn. 

My mother has been through hell and back. She was a colon cancer survivor of about 15 years. Can't quite remember at the moment when she was diagnosed. I was pretty young, 6th grade to be exact. She was also Type 2 diabetic. Which that has been a lifelong struggle since earlier in her life. She did what she could to keep it under control. For her, for us, her family. 

Then October 2011 she became very ill. So many things went wrong with her health. A flesh eating bacteria, from somewhere. We still don't know how she contracted it. Blood clots were forming throughout her body. She didn't know who anyone was for some time. All they could was do surgery on her, get what they could of the bacteria out. Which included nerves, muscle, fatty tissue. It was a grueling recovery. From which she never fully came back from. 

On top of the chemo brain, the bacteria and medicines they gave started to attack her brain cells, her memory. These last three years have the most trying time for us all. My dad mainly took care of her, my sister and I when we could. I lived at home, but worked 3rd shift for the longest time. 

It really started to become difficult when she started seeing things and trying to be independent. It's hard to watch your mother slowly fade away. Heart breaking.  I'm grateful for the time I had with her. She taught me many things in life. I may take after my dad more than anything, but I learned so much from her.  

Then when she couldn't get up on her own, and dad and I couldn't even help her. She was dead weight to us. She stopped eating almost completely.  We knew it was time to send her to the hospital. Deep down, we knew she wasn't coming back home. She spent about a week in the hospital then was moved to a nursing home to co tongue care there. She had a few good days those two weeks. She ate a little here and there, but ultimately they had put a feeding tube into her stomach.  She was getting the nutrients she needed. Then things turned for the worse. She refused food, and they found a knot on her stomach. She bloated up so badly, she was unrecognizable. She has never been that big in her entire life. She was constantly in pain. Her color started changing and she stopped talking altogether. We knew our nightmares were coming true. It's only a matter of days, hours, minutes. Her urine flow started to slowly stop. The darker it became, the closer her kidneys would shut down. Kidney failure. 

It was happening. I watched my mother, after beating cancer and a bacteria, kidney failure would take my mothers life. Her bright blue eyes faded to gray, she no longer responded to my voice, or any other. This was Sunday, March 22, 2015.

Come Tuesday, March 24, 2015 at 6 am, was the fateful call we dreaded. The doctored had called us to come in because they needed to do an emergency surgery on her. She turned for the worse over night. Dad and I made our calls and sent out texts to the people that needed to know, mom may not make out of this surgery according to the doctor.

We hopped in the car and rushed in there. We got to her room and nurses were coming in and out getting her prepped. Dad walked in there to tell her we were here. He walked back out, and we stood by her door so they could do what they needed.  Then I heard her take her last breath. I knew then, she was gone. We lost her. I pushed dad out of the doorway, and made him sit in the chair in the hallway. Then they called code blue. That's when he figured it out. His wife of over 45 years, his one and only, wasn't going to make it either. They worked her for quite some time. Finally the doctor came back out and told us there was nothing else they could do, and if they could call it.  Dad said yes, it's time. 

I made the calls needed. My sister, my aunts and uncle, my boss and my best friend. It was over. She wasn't suffering and in a place she could be happy and her again. Yes, she may no longer be here with us, but I know deep down, she's better off. She made it past the two year mark of her brothers death. She's with her two brothers. She was the oldest of 6 kids, and at the age of 64, she lived a happy life. She seen much of this country and loved us all so much. Everyday I think about her. Sometimes I find it difficult to sleep, but only because I miss her. 

White Chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Fudge

It's been a hectic few weeks, for those that actually do follow this blog.  Lucky me! I'll be able to start posting again now that things have finally started to settle down a bit. I'll start with a super easy fudge that only uses 3 ingredients.  Yes, 3 ingredients!

Ingredients:
1 14oz Sweetened Condensed Milk
3 cups White Chocolate Chips
22 Reese's Peanut Butter cups (do not use the minis!)

Directions:
Line a 9x9 casserole dish with foil. Lightly spray it with cooking spray.

Arrange your Peanut Butter Cups on the bottom (16 total)

In a large sauce pan add your white chocolate chips & sweetened condensed milk and heat over medium low heat until all of the chocolate has melted.

Once everything is well combined immediately pour the chocolate/milk mixture over your peanut butter cups.

Chop the remaining 6 peanut butter cups into smaller pieces and spread evenly over the top of the mixture and press down slightly.

Let cool on the counter for a while and then cover with plastic and put in the fridge to cool completely.

And trust me, you will not walk away!  It's better to let them set at least for a few hours.  The taste will settle better after having let set.

Pizza Monkey Bread (and a discovery of Pillsbury Blueberry Biscuits)

I recently went to the grocery store to get a few things to make a Pizza Monkey Bread, which I'll get to that in a moment. What I want to talk about now, is the new Blueberry Biscuits by Pillsbury.  LEt me tell you this, if you love blueberry muffins, you will absolutely ENJOY these.

(Found this picture using Google.)

Onward!

I made them using the Grands Homestyle Original.  You can use the Buttermilk of Butter Flavored if you wish.  It really shouldn't make much of a difference.

Ingredients: 

2 cans Grands Biscuits (or other brand)

2 cups finely chopped stuffers (green pepper, pepperoni, onions, anything you wish to put in)

2 cups mozzarella cheese

1/2 cup (1 stick) of butter, melted

1/2 teaspoon garlic salt

1 tbs Italian seasoning

1 cup marinara sauce

Grease a bundt pan with cooking spray. Set aside.
In a small bowl, whisk together melted butter, garlic salt and Italian seasonings until combined. Set aside.
Remove biscuits from the cans. Take a raw biscuit, and cut a slit in the side. Use your fingers (or carefully use a knife) to open up the biscuit to form a “pocket” for the toppings.
Carefully tuck a pinch of cheese into the pocket of the biscuit, then add in a teaspoon or so or marinara sauce, then add in some pinches of your pizza toppings, top with a final pinch of cheese, then use your fingers to pinch together the dough to seal in the pocket. Be sure that it is well-sealed.
Dunk the pocket in the butter mixture on both sides, then place in the bundt pan with the seam side up.
Repeat with remaining biscuits until they are all filled and placed in the bundt pan side by side.
Pour any remaining butter mixture over the top of the biscuits in the bundt pan, then bake for 30 minutes until the dough is cooked and lightly browned (follow the temperature on the biscuit can). Remove and let sit for 5 minutes.
Carefully turn the bundt pan on top of a plate and give it a slight jiggle to release the monkey bread. Then remove the pan and serve the monkey bread with a side of extra marinara sauce for dipping.

Pretzel, chocolate chip, carmel cookie thing of sorts.

Going into this I wasn't sure how the cookie would turn out.  It wasn't bad, but not my favorite type of cookie.  Just decided to make something different.  But, for others, they loved them.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, room temperature (You can also use shortening)
1/4 cup plus 2 Tbsp sugar
1/4 cup plus 2 Tbsp brown sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 egg
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 cups flour
3/4 cup stick pretzels, broken into thirds (You may also use regular pretzels)
1/2 cup caramel bits
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. In a stand mixer, cream butter with sugars.  Add vanilla & egg.  Incorporate & scrape bowl.
2. Combine salt, baking soda, & flour.  Gradually add to wet mixture.  Mix until combined.
3. Fold in broken pretzels, caramel bits (I quartered the caramels), & chocolate chips with a spatula.
4. Spoon onto a baking sheet with parchment paper. 
5. Bake at 350F for 11-12 minutes.

Depending on how big you roll the dough, you can make up to 2 dozen!

The link I found the recipe:

Caramel, Pretzel, Chocolate Chip Cookie

Pumpkin Spice Creamer

It's that time of year again! Also, a favorite of mine.  Fall is right around the corner! The leaves will start turning soon, bonfires will be planned, and pumpkin spice everything will pop up. So, here I am, looking up recipes everywhere on the internet, in which I found a few.  But there was one in particular I really liked. Taste almost just like Starbucks, and probably cheaper too in the long run. Plus, the smell radiates throughout the house. It's simple to make, but a bit time consuming. Well worth it!

First you'll have to make the syrup, which really takes the most time.
Prep time:  5 mins
Cook time:  20 mins

Ingredients:
1½ cups water
1½ cups sugar
4 cinnamon sticks
1 tsp. ground nutmeg
½ tsp. ground ginger
½ tsp. ground cloves
1/4 cup pumpkin puree

1. Combine the water and sugar in a medium saucepan and heat over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally, until the sugar has completely dissolved.
2. Toss in the cinnamon sticks and whisk in the remaining spices and the pumpkin puree. Continue to cook for about 5 minutes, stirring frequently.
3. Remove from the heat and allow to cool for 10-15 minutes. Remove cinnamon sticks (or strain through a fine mesh strainer).
4. Store in the refrigerator.

On a side note:  To make a pumpkin spice latte: combine 2 ounces of hot coffee or 1 shot of hot espresso with 6 ounces of steamed low-fat milk. Stir in 2 tablespoons of pumpkin spice syrup. Taste and adjust amounts accordingly. Top as desired with freshly whipped cream or a dash of cinnamon and nutmeg.


Second step to making the actual creamer.

Ingredients:
1c prepared Pumpkin Spice Latte Syrup, chilled
2c half-and-half cream
1/2t vanilla

Stir the ingredients together until well combined. Use as you would regular coffee creamer. Store in a jar or sealed container in the refrigerator. Shake before each use (as the pumpkin will settle to the bottom).

I also put what I made into mason jars.  Easy to store and easy to buy by the bulk.

Here are the links I found the recipes from:
Pumpkin Spice Latte Syrup
Pumpkin Spice Creamer

This is a letter I wrote to my Gm at work, he just lost his unborn child..

This will be hard to write but, I'm not going to say sorry for your loss, reason being you'll hear it multiple times. Knowing you, you'll end up hating those words. Half the time, the ones saying that, really truly meant it, and the others? Not so much.

Matthew 5:4

blessed be are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

God has bigger, and I must say, better plans for your precious little girl. She will always be daddy's little girl. You may not see her physically, but she is present. Open your heart and feel her within you. She hasn't gone too far, has she? No. Would she really want to see her parents grieve? No. Especially her being yours, she would want you to smile.

John 12:27

Peace I leave with you, may peace I give you unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

So close your eyes, smile, and soar with her.

You are much stronger than you think, God wouldn't have done this without reasoning or knowing you couldn't handle this. This is something you can and will get through. This may be a trying time, but just keep your faith.

This is going to be a very difficult time for your whole family, but we are here. All of us. Here with listening ears, open hearts, and open arms. There will never be a word that can be spoken to make this any easier. Time may heal all things, but encouraging words are great to hear. If you need anything, you can depend on us. Don't be afraid to ask, for we have already offered.

You have became a big brother of sorts to me. My heart shattered into pieces when I got to work and found out. No one deserves a loss of a child, ever. As I said earlier, we are all here, a back bone. Just remember, she will always and forever will be,

daddy's little girl.

Jeremiah 1:5

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

--Kahil Gibran

"An angel in the book of life wrote down me baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book, 'too beautiful for earth.'"

--Unknown

"Sweet little flower of Heavenly birth, you were fair to bloom on Earth."

--Unknown

"Breathe. Listen for my footfall in your heart. I am not gone but merely walk within you."

--Nicholas Evans

"Precious little one, we had you in our lives such a very short time, but we'll hold you in our hearts forever. It seemed like only a fleeting moment. But, it was long enough to know that your life was indeed a gift- no matter how brief, no matter how fragile, your life was indeed a gift, and we'll hold you in our hearts forever."

--Unknown