Been a bit easier... Lately

Here I am, first day back to work after visiting the Smokies, one of moms absolute favorite places to go. I found her a little black bear with angel wings. Put it on her headstone Saturday when we came back.

It's precious isn't it? She would have absolutely loved it. Shoot we even seen a black bear while we were in Cades Cove!!!! Pretty sure that was a mom thing!

Things haven't really been that easy forbid all. I really missed mom while we were down there. So far the holidays haven't been 100% super fun. I'm trying! Have a lot of things going on in my life. Crossfit is slowly becoming a habit to me. Haven't been able to go as much as I've wanted to the last few weeks, but starting tomorrow I'll be there at least 3 times a week. Starting this week, I'm slowly turning my eating habits back to much healthier eating. Food prepping will commence this coming Sunday. Good luck to me again... Slowly figuring out who my true friends are. And easing out the ones who don't support me. May not always talk to everyone, but we all know we have each other's backs. 

I'm certainly on my way to the military, like I want. Just get in a habit of food health, and working out more. I know I can do this. I have a great support in trainers and a great friend who is keeping me motivated, even when I want to punch him. He's definitely keeping on top of things with me in Crossfit. I guess I need to suck it up and just go all in! 

Loss of a mother: Getting over the initial heartache

I'm 25 years old, and it's been over two month since I've lost my mother.

That's a line I never wanted to say at this age.  I do consider myself pretty lucky to have had her for this long.  Some kids lose a parent(s) at an even earlier age.  Regardless, It still hurts and it's hard to deal with. Some days you're angry at the world, other times you just don't want to talk to anyone.  Don't get me wrong, you have your good days even, just at times things get to you.

Losing my mother has been one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through in my life. You truly don't realize how much she has done for you until you can't ask a question. Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot from her, but there is so much more a person my age has to learn. 

My mother has been through hell and back. She was a colon cancer survivor of about 15 years. Can't quite remember at the moment when she was diagnosed. I was pretty young, 6th grade to be exact. She was also Type 2 diabetic. Which that has been a lifelong struggle since earlier in her life. She did what she could to keep it under control. For her, for us, her family. 

Then October 2011 she became very ill. So many things went wrong with her health. A flesh eating bacteria, from somewhere. We still don't know how she contracted it. Blood clots were forming throughout her body. She didn't know who anyone was for some time. All they could was do surgery on her, get what they could of the bacteria out. Which included nerves, muscle, fatty tissue. It was a grueling recovery. From which she never fully came back from. 

On top of the chemo brain, the bacteria and medicines they gave started to attack her brain cells, her memory. These last three years have the most trying time for us all. My dad mainly took care of her, my sister and I when we could. I lived at home, but worked 3rd shift for the longest time. 

It really started to become difficult when she started seeing things and trying to be independent. It's hard to watch your mother slowly fade away. Heart breaking.  I'm grateful for the time I had with her. She taught me many things in life. I may take after my dad more than anything, but I learned so much from her.  

Then when she couldn't get up on her own, and dad and I couldn't even help her. She was dead weight to us. She stopped eating almost completely.  We knew it was time to send her to the hospital. Deep down, we knew she wasn't coming back home. She spent about a week in the hospital then was moved to a nursing home to co tongue care there. She had a few good days those two weeks. She ate a little here and there, but ultimately they had put a feeding tube into her stomach.  She was getting the nutrients she needed. Then things turned for the worse. She refused food, and they found a knot on her stomach. She bloated up so badly, she was unrecognizable. She has never been that big in her entire life. She was constantly in pain. Her color started changing and she stopped talking altogether. We knew our nightmares were coming true. It's only a matter of days, hours, minutes. Her urine flow started to slowly stop. The darker it became, the closer her kidneys would shut down. Kidney failure. 

It was happening. I watched my mother, after beating cancer and a bacteria, kidney failure would take my mothers life. Her bright blue eyes faded to gray, she no longer responded to my voice, or any other. This was Sunday, March 22, 2015.

Come Tuesday, March 24, 2015 at 6 am, was the fateful call we dreaded. The doctored had called us to come in because they needed to do an emergency surgery on her. She turned for the worse over night. Dad and I made our calls and sent out texts to the people that needed to know, mom may not make out of this surgery according to the doctor.

We hopped in the car and rushed in there. We got to her room and nurses were coming in and out getting her prepped. Dad walked in there to tell her we were here. He walked back out, and we stood by her door so they could do what they needed.  Then I heard her take her last breath. I knew then, she was gone. We lost her. I pushed dad out of the doorway, and made him sit in the chair in the hallway. Then they called code blue. That's when he figured it out. His wife of over 45 years, his one and only, wasn't going to make it either. They worked her for quite some time. Finally the doctor came back out and told us there was nothing else they could do, and if they could call it.  Dad said yes, it's time. 

I made the calls needed. My sister, my aunts and uncle, my boss and my best friend. It was over. She wasn't suffering and in a place she could be happy and her again. Yes, she may no longer be here with us, but I know deep down, she's better off. She made it past the two year mark of her brothers death. She's with her two brothers. She was the oldest of 6 kids, and at the age of 64, she lived a happy life. She seen much of this country and loved us all so much. Everyday I think about her. Sometimes I find it difficult to sleep, but only because I miss her.